Children In Church

Issues dealing with children in the church
 

Children In Church

Written by:  Theresa DeLuca

2002

I thank the Lord for the godly women that he has put in my path to guide me in the training of my children.  The grace and blessings of the Lord have been tremendous.

2^nd Edition…

Since moving away from North Carolina, we’ve encountered many churches that I believe are mixed up on the issues of children in church and men in the nursery.  The Lord really blessed me through the difficulties of trying to find a new church, by encouraging me to search His Word for the truth.  It was a tremendously wonderful study that I wanted to share with you.  I hope that you will get as excited reading what I found as I got in finding it and putting it on paper.

When should a child come into the “big” church?

What did Jesus say about that?

There are three recordings in the Bible of a single time when people brought their children to Jesus.

Matthew 19:13-15  “There were brought unto him little children, that he should put his hands on them, and pray:  and the disciples rebuked them.  But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of Heaven.  And he laid his hands on them, and departed thence.

Mark 10:13-16  “And they brought young children to him, that he should touch them: and his disciples rebuked those that brought them.  But when Jesus saw it, he was much displeased, and said unto them, Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God.  Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child, he shall not enter therein.  And he took them up in his arms, put his hands upon them, and blessed them.

Luke 18:15-17  “And they brought unto him also infants, that he would touch them: but when his disciples saw it, they rebuked them.  But Jesus called them unto him, and said, Suffer little children come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God.  Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child shall in no wise enter therein.

Let’s look at what happened.  It’s good that three different men recorded this instance, because they each give us a different bit of information.  You must look at all three records to get the entire picture.

We first see that people brought children to Jesus, but the disciples tried to send them away.  Why would the disciples try to send the children away?  Was it because they didn’t care about the people?  I don’t believe so.  The Scriptures show us in other places that the disciples had a true concern for the people.  You will find their concern to be the initiation of the miracle of the feeding of the 5,000.

Let’s look at how they felt about Jesus.  These men loved him with all of their heart.  They gave up all that they had to follow the Lord Jesus.  We also see in the gospels that the disciples had a concern for the Lord.  When the Jews came for Jesus, they were ready to fight for him.  I believe that this was the reason for them turning the children away.  They didn’t want the Lord disturbed by small children.  Perhaps they felt that those children would be a hassle for the Lord.  After all, there were the men and women to be ministered to.  Why should his ministering to those people be interrupted by small children?

Who were these children?

Were they teens?  Were they 8-12 year olds?  What does the Bible tell us?

In Matthew we’re told that they are little children and in Mark they are called young children.  Notice that they are being brought, not bringing themselves.  They aren’t old enough to bring themselves.

The Greek word translated here little children and young children is paidion1.  Paidion actually means “a childling, an infant, a half-grown”.

Luke uses a different word here.  Luke says that the people brought infants.  The Greek word here is brephos2, which means “an infant”.

The Greek shows us that these were very young children being brought to Jesus.  They were infants and small children.

What was the reaction that the Lord Jesus had toward his disciples?

Mark shows us that Jesus was “much displeased.”  The Greek word used here is aganakteo3, which means “to be greatly afflicted; indignant.”  Jesus wasn’t pleased with what the disciples were doing.  In fact, he was downright angry about it.  He was “indignant”!  And how did he respond to these infants, these little, young children?  He said , “Suffer them come unto me.”  The word translated suffer doesn’t mean to make them suffer or even to let them come.  The Greek here is aphiem4, which means “send”.  It can be translated send or yield up.  Jesus isn’t saying to let the children do what they want, but rather, “send the children to me” or “yield up the children to me.”  And notice, he also says, “forbid them not”.  We are not to forbid the little children and infants, but rather to yield them to the Lord.

Mark and Luke tell us that Jesus told the people that they must receive the kingdom of God as a little child, or like a little child.  It is that “childlike” faith that he said that we must have to enter the kingdom of God.

Mark also tells us that Jesus took those children in his arms, put hands on them and blessed them.  Jesus loves these babies and holds their faith as greater than that of adults!

We can also see how Jesus regards little children in Matthew 18:1-6 “At the same time came the disciples unto Jesus, saying, Who is the greatest in the kingdom of Heaven?  And Jesus called a little child unto him, and set him in the midst of them, and said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of Heaven.  Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of Heaven.  And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me.  But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.”

The disciples were trying to find out who would be the greatest in the kingdom of God.  Jesus took a child and said that we must become as little children.  Whoever is humble like “this little one” is the greatest in the kingdom.  He also says that whoever receives a little child in his name receives the Lord Jesus.  On the other hand, whoever offends one of these little ones who believe in him, wow, I wouldn’t want to be one of those.  The word offend here is the Greek skandalizo5, “trip”.  Figuratively it means “to stumble, entice to sin, apostasy, displeasure.”  And what of the person who offends?  “It were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and he were drowned in the depth of the sea.”

If we look at Proverbs 22:6, we will see how not to offend one of these little ones.

Proverbs 22:6  “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”

We’re told to “train up.”  The Hebrew word his chanak6.  This word means literally, “to narrow” and figuratively “to initiate or discipline”.  We need to narrow a child in the way he should go, using discipline to keep him in his “narrow” way.  We should initiate him in the way he should go.  When does the Bible say to do this?  When he is a child.  What is the age range being referred to here?  The Hebrew word is na’ar7, which means “from the age of infancy to adolescence”.  The word is translated babe or child, and it covers all time in  a child’s life from infancy to adolescence.  We are not told to wait until a child is a certain age, we are told to “train up a child {from infancy to adolescence} in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it.”

The Bible is clear on what we should do with babies.  Send them to Jesus, forbid them not, lest Jesus be indignant with us.  Train them up from infancy.

Do we teach a 2 year old that church revolves around him by putting in fun and games all of the time at church?  If we want him to be respectful of us when he’s old, we begin training him when he’s a baby.  When a 2 year old sasses his parent, we discipline him and he learns how to treat his parents.  If we wait until he’s 4, 5, or 6 years old, how much harder will it be?

So it is with the Lord and church.  We should train them from tiny, not wait for them to be set in their ways!!  When they’re old enough to start learning manners like saying please and thank you, then they’re old enough to teach them how to treat the Lord and church!

Who me?  I could NEVER get my child to be good in church!

That’s what I thought.  If it hadn’t been for a little bit of urging from two very strong Christian women that I looked up to, I never would have even tried. 

Now I know better.  Yes, these wonderful little people can learn to sit in church.  I’d like to share some of the wisdom that these ladies and the Lord shared with me about this topic. These are the biggest questions that I had and the advice that I received on how best to teach my baby to act properly in church.

I’m so grateful for the help and encouragement.  And believe me, if I could do it, so can you.

Proverbs 1:5  “A wise man will hear, and will increase learning; a man of understanding shall attain unto wise counsels”

Teach them:

Proverbs 1:7  “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction.”

When should I start teaching my child to sit in church?

Many people think that small children are incapable of sitting and behaving in church.  This is absolutely not true.  Small children are at the height of their intelligence.  Just think of all of the things that children learn in the first few years of their life.  They go from being totally helpless when they are born to being able to sit, crawl, and walk in just a year. By the time they're 2 years old, most children are well on their way to speaking a foreign language!  After all, they didn’t speak a word of English when they were born. By this time, most children are either potty trained or are well on their way. They are able to follow basic instructions. They haven’t done any of this on their own. As a parent, we must teach them how to do everything. If you never speak to your child, he’ll never learn to speak. If you don’t teach him not to put his fingers in the outlet, what will happen? When we teach them to pick up their toys and put them away, we must show them exactly what to do. But they manage to learn all of it with very little trouble.

By the time a child is one year old (much earlier, really), he knows exactly how to manipulate a situation.  If you pick him up every single time he cries, he knows that all he has to do is cry long enough and you’ll pick him up. At the same time, if you only pick him up when he’s not crying, most healthy babies will give up crying to be held within a couple of weeks. This fact is true by 3 months old! Our babies are EXTREMELY smart. They will learn exactly what we teach them.

Having said all of that, I hope that you can now see how capable a baby is to learn a new ability at a young age.  The best time to start teaching a child to sit in church is between 18 and 20 months. I wouldn’t wait any longer than 22 months. For one reason, children at this age ARE able to learn very easily.  For another reason, you are still able to utilize the nursery.  If you teach your child during one service a week, you can put him in the nursery the other two services, leaving you able to focus all of your attention on church those days. When you are first teaching a child to sit properly in church, you’re going to miss most of the sermon!

How should a child act in church?

A child should act the exact same way that any adult should act in church. Children and adults alike can be a major distraction to the pastor as well as to the congregation. No one should be talking during church.  No one should be getting up and going to the restroom or getting a drink during church. Of course, there are some exceptions for medical reasons, but in general every person in the congregation should sit quietly still. We should ALL be paying attention to what’s going on in the front of the church. Shouting “AMEN”, laughing at something funny, crying because you’re so moved, raising your hands because of the leading of the Holy Spirit, this is all wonderful.  But we should not be doing things that interrupt or distract those people ministering to us or to disturb those being ministered to.  What would you think if the pastor suddenly walked out of the church to go to the restroom in the middle of his sermon?  Or what if he suddenly quit preaching for a few minutes to sit down and talk with someone?  You would be quite upset with him, we all would.  We expect him to be more respectful to us and to the Lord than that! So we should be just as respectful to him, to the congregation, and to the Lord.

Yes, small children can learn to behave in just as respectful a manner.  No child will behave respectfully in church unless he is taught to. But every child is capable of sitting quietly in church. He should sit still.  He should look at the pastor or whoever is in front of the church.  If the church stands up to sing, he should stand up.  If the church stands up to pray, he should stand up with his eyes closed.  Before the sermon, he should keep his hands at his sides or in his lap.  During the sermon, he should be holding a Bible.  He shouldn’t be getting up to go to the restroom or get a drink. He shouldn’t be speaking to anyone, even in whispers. He shouldn’t be looking around.  He shouldn’t be playing with is shoes, his ears, his face, or a Bible.  He should just be sitting quietly, paying attention.

Am I really ready to teach my child to behave in church?

Do you love your child?  Do you want him to be a good child? Do you want to enjoy your child? Do you want other people to be able to love and enjoy your child? Do you want to receive blessings from the Lord far greater than you imagined?  Of course the answer to all of these questions is YES!  What kind of a parent (or even person) would we be if we didn’t?  I had no idea how much of a blessing it would be when I started keeping my 1 ½ year old in church.  I did it only because I was convinced that it was the best thing to do.  I was totally surprised at how quickly he learned and what a joy and blessing it was for me to accomplish such a scary feat. I can’t begin to tell you how it feels to have people comment to me about the way my children behave in church. It’s far too overwhelming.  Even total strangers occasionally comment on it. I’m so thankful to the Lord and to those two ladies who encouraged and guided me in this matter.

How do I teach my child to act properly in church?

You will need five things In order to teach your children to act right in church.  You will need:

    A Bible (without pictures)

    A good “rod”–spare not the rod

    Lots of love

    Persistence

    Lots of prayer

The first time

Wow, this one is scary.  If you have more than one child, you might want to sit separately from them for now, so that older brothers or sisters aren’t a distraction to the baby and so that the baby doesn’t distract them.  If you’re going to sit together, you’ll want to sit down with the older children beforehand and explain to them what’s going to happen.  You will want to be sure that the older children act properly in church, too.  Let them know that they cannot even look at the baby in church.  The baby isn’t there for entertainment or playtime, but to learn how to be a good little boy or girl.

You will do best to sit in the very last pew, on the inside.  This way, you have the most privacy for what you need to do and you will cause the least amount of disturbance to everyone else. Put the baby on the isle so that he can see better.  It is best to have the baby sit on the pew and not on your lap, especially if the child is already 2 years old. Sometimes smaller babies do better for their introduction into church if they sit on your lap, but it will backfire on you if you let them do it more than a couple of times. If he sits on your lap, you need to make him sit still. No hugging, kissing, talking, or bouncing around. It’s church time, not play time. Give him a Bible only during the sermon.  Don’t let him flip through the pages, play with it, turn it upside down, drop it, or throw it. Open it to the proper place. When you are going to turn to a different passage in the Bible, turn to that passage in his Bible first, then in yours. Make sure he holds his Bible still. If he should be looking at the pastor, make him look at the pastor.

Let’s not be unrealistic! Practically no child is going to sit in church for more than 2 minutes that first time without talking, hugging, kissing, getting down, playing with his feet (or the Bible), or doing something else that he shouldn’t be doing in church. So now what?

Well, this is where persistence and your “rod” come in. This is also why you’re in the very back pew! Tell him quietly ONE time to stop what he’s doing.. When he ignores you or starts crying or throwing his temper tantrum, quietly pick him up, get your paddle, and walk him out of church. Take him to an unused classroom, the game room, or out behind the church where no one can see you.  You want privacy. A restroom is not a quiet place, nor is it private. Spank him. A spanking should be on the bottom (that’s why God made it so well padded), and it should hurt. I’m not saying you should “beat” or even bruise a 2 year old. But if you tap a hand or spank a diaper so that he can’t even feel it, you haven’t done anything.  We must teach our children that there are consequences for breaking rules. Spank your child on the bottom enough that it hurts, but not excessively. HINT: if he laughs when you spank him, you didn’t do it right!

After you spank your child, pick him up and love on him. Hug him and kiss him, and calm him down. Wipe his face off and tell him that he can’t do whatever he did when he’s in church. Tell him what he should do.  “Shhh, it’s okay, baby. But you can’t talk in church. Now let’s go back in church and sit quietly.” Be gentle, calm, and loving, but be firm also. He’ll calm down quickly and be ready to go and try it again. Don’t let him get away with it next time, though. Children learn through repetition.

The first time that I kept a baby in church, the usher at the door got a real good workout. He was up and down more times than I can count, opening and closing the door for me. That first time was exhausting for my child, for the usher, and for me. But you MUST be persistent. Within a few weeks, that baby was sitting in the front of church with the rest of our family. For about a year, I still had to take him out once or twice each service, but it was well worth those first few weeks of agony. Before his third birthday, he almost never had to be disciplined in church.

Okay, I’m ready, but when would be the best time to start?

I find Sunday night to be the best time to start teaching a child to sit in church. Most churches don’t have anything extra going on on Sunday nights, so the entire family is sitting out there and the classes are empty to use for disciplining in private. But if you choose to do it on Sunday night as well as Wednesday night, your child will learn how to behave much faster.

Once I’ve taught him, how do I bring him up to sit with the family?

Once you have him to the point where you only have to take him out once or twice a service, it’s time to reunite the family. Tell any older children that they are not to even look at the baby or they will get spanked for causing him to misbehave. When you rejoin the family, sit the child on the isle with you next to him. Don’t let him move to sit somewhere else or all of your hard work will be down the drain. Remember, he already knows your rules, and sitting on the end of the pew is one of those rules.

What if my child falls asleep?

If your child is going to fall asleep, let him. Children up to age 6 often fight there much needed sleep during the day. When they actually sit still, it catches up with them. However, don’t let him lay down until after he has actually dozed off, or it will become a regular practice and a problem. When your child falls asleep in church, you can concentrate on the sermon instead of behavior. Once a child is in first grade, they should be made to stay awake in church and pay attention. It starts becoming disrespectful at about that point for them to be sleeping in church. It’s also disrespectful for them to do things like stretch or yawn in an obvious way. Teach them to be discrete if they need to yawn. Make a game out of it at home. Practice yawning with your mouth closed and teach him to do the same.

What if others in church are smiling and waving at my baby?

Babies are easily distracted and like to show off. They’re also cute, especially when they’re sitting in that great big pew like big people. They’re hard to resist. If people are having a tough time resisting your little one, this could become a problem for you. Before it goes to far, talk with the baby lover. Explain to them that you’re trying to teach him how to behave in church and that he’ll get in trouble for looking around. Most people will be very apologetic for causing any problems and will try hard to resist the temptation of that adorable little face.

What if my child has to go potty?

Teach your child to go potty before church begins. Take him to the restroom right before church and have him go. Most children can go after the car ride to church. Since you’re not letting your child drink during church, he shouldn’t need to go again until after church. If your child says he needs to go during church, tell him quietly that you’ll take him but that if he doesn’t go that you’ll spank him. Then ask, “Are you sure you need to go?” Then take him if he says yes. Don’t lie to your child, though. If he doesn’t go, spank him for not behaving. He won’t play the game of going to the restroom just to be getting up that way. Also, tell him that you’re not going to come out again to go potty.  It doesn’t take long for a child to have enough control to “hold it” for 90 minutes. If your child usually needs to go more often than that, take him out during hand shaking time or a congregational song. This is the least distracting way to do it. But by 3 years old a child shouldn’t need to go to the restroom at all during church. If he goes right before church, he should be fine. You should tell your child by 3 years old that he isn’t allowed to get up to go to the restroom during church. As he gets older, I would spank him for not going at a more appropriate time.

What about an older child, what should I do with him in church?

Older children should follow the exact same rules as a small child. The main difference with an older child is that you can reason more with him and you might choose to save the spanking for after church. If you’re having a lot of problems with him in church, I would take him to the back and spank him right then and there the first few times, though. Then he’ll get the idea that you mean business.

It is fairly easy to teach an older child to behave by discussing what the Bible says. I used Proverbs 22:6 with my children when discussing whether they should sit in the big church with the adults or watch movies with the kids. “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” We discussed why we go to church, how the Lord feels about church, and then discussed the issues of what they would get out of church and what they would get out of watching movies. In the end, we didn’t “make” our children sit out in church on Sunday nights. They chose to sit out there. They felt that it would be more pleasing to the Lord and more beneficial to them. We were so proud of their decision.

One more thing!

So many people have said to me, “But your children are an exception.” No they’re not! My children are normal little boys. In fact, if I told you some of our past experiences with our children, you would be horrified. We were in dire straights a few years ago. Life was awful and NOBODY EVER said that our children were well behaved, because they weren’t. If you have discipline problems with your children, even ADHD, I would strongly suggest a cassette series and study guide by Charles Swindoll. It’s called “The Strong Family”. You can get it from Insights for Living, at www.insight.org. It will be a great help for your life. One thing that is a MUST for teaching your child to act properly in church is consistency in discipline at all times. This series shows how to “train up a child in the way he should go”.

Well, now you’re ready to be blessed and to be a blessing to your child, your family, and those around you. Start praying for the Lord’s help and ask others to pray for you and with you for what you are doing. The Lord will bless you for working with him to teach your child.

References: